Parenting is a funny thing. It can be funny, frustrating, and hilarious all at the same time! Here’s a collection of some funny quotes from parents that show just how crazy it can get sometimes. Enjoy these funny parenting quotes!
Hilarious Funny Parenting Quotes
“My favorite part of parenting is after I drop my kids off at school. I’m kidding. It’s after they go to bed.” – CallMeDraper
“88% of parenting is saying ‘it’s bedtime’ 150 times between 8:00 and 9:00 every night.” – SardonikTart
“Can’t find your kids? Don’t worry; sit on the toilet. They’ll find you.” – MamaJessieC
“The miracle of children is that we just don’t know how they will change or who they will become.” – Eileen Kennedy-Moore.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.” – Dave Barry.
“The truth is, parenting as well as we can is always hard – really, truly, the hardest thing any of us has ever done.” – Laura Markham.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.” – Erma Bombeck.
“The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.” – BrianGaar
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lay down again.” —Betsy Farrell
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” – Jim Bishop.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” – Carrie Underwood.
“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.” – Barbara Johnson.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.” – Bette Davis.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.” – Steve Ryan.
“Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is: Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?” – RobFee
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.” – John J. Plomp.
“First babies have the often-unenviable task of turning people into parents.” – Penelope Leach.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.” – Alan Cox.
“While mothers still bear the brunt of housework and child rearing, fathers are increasingly realizing that providing is not parenting.” – Madonna King.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck.
“My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.” —Anonymous
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.” – Ewan McGregor.
“Mother is a verb. It’s something you do. Not just who you are.” – Cheryl Lacey Donovan.
“When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they’re basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight.” – ParentNormal
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.” – Chris Rock.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’” – Dana Snow.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.” – James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Before I had kids, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by saying, ‘Get dressed, please.’ – SarcaticMommy4
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.” – Alan Arkin.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” – Ray Romano.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.” – Ryan Reynolds.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.” – Reese Witherspoon.
“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.” – Steven Wright.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” —Paul Reiser
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” – Dorothy Parker.
“Driving around at 3am with soft music on the radio isn’t normal, but as a parent it is.” – Batman1285
You can be a mess and still be a good mom. We are allowed to be both. – KatieBinghamSmith
“I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.” – LHLodder
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle.
Funny Parenting Quotes
“Every parent is at some time the father of the unreturned prodigal, with nothing to do but keep his house open to hope.” – John Ciardi.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.” – Judd Apatow.
“Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE!” – LooksLikeTutTut
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” —Ray Romano
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.” – Ernest Hemingway.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.” – Ed Asner.
“It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.” —Anonymous
“Hell hath no fury like a toddler who’s sandwich has been cut into squares when they wanted triangles.” —Anonymous
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.” – Ralph Bus.
“Parenthood is a journey except it’s just traveling from room to room putting away the same toys all day long.” – OneFunnyMummy
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” – Leo Burke.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’” – Salty Mermaid.
“God, why does a mortal man have children? It is senseless to love anything this much.” – Barbara Kingsolver.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.” – Peter Krause.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?” – Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“If we never have headaches through rebuking our children, we shall have plenty of heartaches when they grow up.” – Charles H. Spurgeon.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?” – Alyson Hannigan.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron.
“When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is ‘Please forget.’” – SarcasticMommy4
“Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.” – yoyoha
“Mike, you have show-and-tell today. Please honey, remember body parts do not count.” – – Sarah Baker, ‘Cheaper By The Dozen’.
Hilarious Funny Mom Quotes
“Motherhood is an extreme sport. That’s why we have to wear workout clothes everyday.” —Anonymous
“I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.” —Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.” – William Galvin.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours” – Conan O’Brien.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.” – Louise Bates Ames.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.” – Amber Dusick.
“They say that parenting is like dancing. You take one step, your child takes another.” – Michael Jackson.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” – – Joyce Armor.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children, and now I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot, ‘Earl Of Rochester.’
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. —Phyllis Diller
Hilarious Parenting Quotes
“There are no rules in this house; I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.” – June George, ‘Mean Girls.’
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.” – Jr. Williams.
“Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, ‘Oh god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship, it’s Costco, dad.’” – Judd Apatow.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.” – David Frost.
“Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” – Robert Browning.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip her jacket by herself.” – ksujulie
“I didn’t realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That’s still a very low number of rodeos.” – SimonCHolland
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.” – Erma Bombeck.
“Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.” – ThisOneSayz
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, ‘You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.’” – Rob Delaney.
Funny Parenting Sayings
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” – Andy Richter.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” – Phyllis Diller.
“5 year olds say the cutest things like ‘I love you’ and ‘hey mom when you just took your pants off everything was all jiggly and wiggly.’” – DisCourt
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.” – Jim Gaffigan.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.” – Jodi Picoult.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” – Phyllis Diller.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.” – Jimmy Fallon.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.” – Marshall McLuhan.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.” – Unknown
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck.
Funny Parenting Quotes Quarantine
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” – Julia Roberts.
“Good parenting is subjective and the same tips don’t work for all people.” – Brandi Rossi.
“Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” —David Frost
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”. – Dean Martin.
“Parents with their words, attitudes, and actions possess the ability to bless or curse the identities of their children.” – Craig Hill.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” —Nia Vardolas
The easiest way to shop with kids is not to. – relaxingmommy
“No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.” – LHLodder
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.” – Paul Reiser.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons… like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’” – Ari Fishbein.
Funny Parenting Quotes 2021
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” – Paul Reiser.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith.
“No one is ever quite ready; everyone is always caught off guard. Parenthood chooses you.” – Marisa De Los Santos.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance?” – Franklin P. Adams.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.” – Unknown
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” – Nia Vardalos.
The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. —Lane Olinghouse
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.” – Katherine Hepburn.
Funny Parenting Teenager Quotes
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” – James Baldwin.
“Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I’m not spontaneous anymore. Will I get out of these pajama pants today? Maybe… maybe NOT. You just don’t know.” – DivergentMama
“One thing I had learned from watching chimpanzees with their infants is that having a child should be fun.” – Jane Goodall.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.” – Erma Bombeck.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.” – Percy French.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” —Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Quotes About Raising A Child
“Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese.” – mommy_cusses
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” – Lane Olinghouse.
“I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest. It’s my favorite.’ ‘This one was the result of a long night of drinking.’ ‘This one came out a little darker than I expected.’ And so on.” – Keith Alberstadt.
“(24/7) once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer.” – Jodi Picoult.
“That’s not the sign for poop, that’s the sign for milk! This is the sign for poop!” – Jack, ‘Meet The Fockers.’
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.” – unknown
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.” – Maurice Johnston.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.” – Bill Cosby.
Parenting Memes Hilarious Funny Parenting Quotes
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” – Jim Gaffigan.
“No one is more passionate about their kids back to school opinion than my friends who don’t have kids.” – CydBeer
“You know you’re a parent when you’ve washed yourself with baby wipes to save time in the morning.” —Anonymous
“Parenting is a life time job and does not stop when a child grows up.” – Jake Slope.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’” —Dana Snow
Funny Parents Captions For Instagram
“According to my kid, the perfect amount of time to stay at the park is five more minutes.” – RockabillyJay
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.” – Martin Mull.
“More specifically being a dad is a diverse responsibility, and it is also defined by providing support to your partner in the glorious journey of parenthood.” – Natalie L. S. West.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.” – Brian Andreas.
We hope you’ve enjoyed these hilarious and funny parenting quotes. If we missed any of your favorites, please share them in the comments below!
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